Where do you go to search for answers in life? Friends, spouses, work, God? Does anyone have the answers? How do you know if you are doing the plan that was suppose to be for you? Lately, I feel like I know what I want to do but I just can’t get there. I use to be somewhat confident of myself. I know I know I have the potential to do almost anything I put my head too. But I can’t seem to get my head right. I feel like maybe I am over thinking at times, I am bit emotional and I am not sure how to handle everything at once. I use to be the one that everyone went to for everything and slowly it seems like I am slowly being replaced. I think that by me knowing that I am replaceable I have felt like that I am not capable of doing anything anymore and what is the point in doing anything.
My patience has went out the door. It is hard for me to tolerate anything. People talk to me and I hear them speaking but I don’t quite hear what they are saying. It seems like something is right there in front of me but I just can’t grasp onto it. I feel like I am becoming a big disappointment in my life when I can be doing something so much better. I can’t seem to handle pressure, criticism, the way I use too. Everyone has a hidden agenda for me? Do they really? Who knows! Maybe I am totally blowing everything out of context and over-analyzing everything. Maybe I am the corrupt one. I feel as I am not appreciated as I was at one time in my life. This whole year has been an obstacle course and I still haven’t made it to the finish line. Then again I still about two and half months until the year is over.
It is so hard for me to listen to the positive people say that they see what I am capable of and my potential. I mean it feels great that numerous people see that in me, but I don’t see it in myself quite yet. I second guess myself and third and fourth guess myself and I shouldn’t. If I can already prove to people what I can do why is that so hard for me to accept?
Is it wrong for me wanting time to go by? I feel as if I should just pick up and leave and make a new beginning somewhere else, but then again I feel as I would be running away and the people who want me to go away will feel like they have gotten the better of me. I don’t like the fact that people are getting to me and I am constantly thinking about it.I wonder if I have my own issues with inadequacy/helplessness, how do I get that behind me? Do I block everyone out and just stay to myself until I figure out whats wrong? I need to just figure out what to do in order to make myself a better person. I am not perfect, but I could work on some of my traits. I think as of tonight (well maybe tomorrow) I am going to look at life in a different light and see what I can do to make myself better. I should be happy for the small things like having a place to go home to, having a job in this economic time, having food on my table. If I just try to concentrate on what I can do to make myself better, I will become a better person and learn along the way!
At the end of the day I want to be strong-minded, positive, and successful. There is not going to be anyone that can help me except for me. Only I can provide for myself (not unless I have a handsome sugar daddy..hehe) and I shouldn’t let others make me doubt myself or what I am capable of. If one door closes another will open and that is just life in general. Nothing last forever, so I can’t try to save something that isn’t there. I feel better now that I let this all of this out of my system and I just need to stop holding stuff in and let it out once in a while. I can’t have everything bundled inside because what does that do? It gives me a mental breakdown and don’t need that. *Note to self* STAY STRONG! STAY POSITIVE and everything will fall into place!
Well the last couple of months at work have been a real roller coaster. It started with our company shutting down our Miami office forcing us to move to Fort Lauderdale or be out of a job. So now instead of driving 15mins to work I have to drive 45mins to an hour depending on traffic.
I didn’t get a raise for relocating and I am spending more out of pocket with gas and tolls. I should be thankful that I have a job in this economy but everyday it just seems like it is not improving or where it should be.
For the last couple of weeks, sales have increased and it seems to be doing better but is it? I went to my boss’ house yesterday afternoon and I’ve known him about five years now and he treats me like his daughter which I like. He was honest with me and told me and told me what has been going from the business perspective and he should be finding out more this weekend.
All day I kept myself cooped out in the house wondering and pondering what may or may not happen. I texted him today and he told me not to worry because he is not worried. That is a good sign right? I feel like I am too young to be stressed all the time and I just want everything to work out for the best.
*Crosses fingers everything goes well*